Are You Sitting Comfortably?...

 ...then I'll begin

Once upon a time the prince and his lady bought a chateau in France  Bob and Angela bought a bungalow in Norfolk. For a dozen years it was their Holiday Home- and then it became their Forever Home. And the little things, which hadn't mattered too much during the holidays, needed fixing when they were an everyday annoyance [the sticky door lock, the horrid kitchen blind, the missing or ill fitting plinths** under the cupboards, the dodgy handbasin, the uncomfortable loo seat] The loo seat was high on the list for replacement [not at the bottom]

After research and discussion, a model was selected. Such seats apparently have top fixing or bottom fixing [or both, for added stability] This one has top and bottom fixings, plus a soft close feature. It was ordered. A message confirmed it would arrive Thursday between 4.30 and 7.30pm.

At 3.30 a van pulled up, and a cheery chappie brought a parcel. "My loo seat!" said I. "Very large box!" said Bob and opened it. It was not a loo seat, but a new power shower. At which point Bob checked the label - and found that it was addressed to someone else. Who lived in Rump Close! Can you believe it? Perhaps they'd taken our loo seat there? It was only a few streets away, so Bob took it round - nobody in, so he left a note. 

Later on the shower-person phoned and said he was home from work - Bob took the parcel round. Our seat arrived later in the evening. He unpacked the seat whilst I read the instructions. They'd clearly gone through Google Translate, or somesuch programme. We were laughing so much that it was a while before Bob managed to fix the seat [top and bottom] at his own convenience. I was chief teamaker-and-translator-of-instructions, and I was in hysterics

I feel I must share a few of the choicest lines with you, regarding components such as hing base & ruber cork

• See video insallation tutoria
• the explanations are as follows, please keep it in the eyeable place.
• do not let the child play the toilet cover
• wipe off smut
• the function of slow closing will fail off in the midway
• do not use eradicator
• WARNING! it may cause injuring body or damaging object if ignore this mark
• read carefully the relative notice [is that for the rest of the family?]

RELATIVE NOTICE

• Open and close the toilet seat cover tenderly [or else it may crack]
• Avoid sunlight and other lamp-house irradiate directly [or else it may turn colors]

We are treating our new seat Very Tenderly I can assure you!

[**some day my plinths will come]