Tuesday 25 May 2021

Are You Sitting Comfortably?...

 ...then I'll begin

Once upon a time the prince and his lady bought a chateau in France  Bob and Angela bought a bungalow in Norfolk. For a dozen years it was their Holiday Home- and then it became their Forever Home. And the little things, which hadn't mattered too much during the holidays, needed fixing when they were an everyday annoyance [the sticky door lock, the horrid kitchen blind, the missing or ill fitting plinths** under the cupboards, the dodgy handbasin, the uncomfortable loo seat] The loo seat was high on the list for replacement [not at the bottom]

After research and discussion, a model was selected. Such seats apparently have top fixing or bottom fixing [or both, for added stability] This one has top and bottom fixings, plus a soft close feature. It was ordered. A message confirmed it would arrive Thursday between 4.30 and 7.30pm.

At 3.30 a van pulled up, and a cheery chappie brought a parcel. "My loo seat!" said I. "Very large box!" said Bob and opened it. It was not a loo seat, but a new power shower. At which point Bob checked the label - and found that it was addressed to someone else. Who lived in Rump Close! Can you believe it? Perhaps they'd taken our loo seat there? It was only a few streets away, so Bob took it round - nobody in, so he left a note. 

Later on the shower-person phoned and said he was home from work - Bob took the parcel round. Our seat arrived later in the evening. He unpacked the seat whilst I read the instructions. They'd clearly gone through Google Translate, or somesuch programme. We were laughing so much that it was a while before Bob managed to fix the seat [top and bottom] at his own convenience. I was chief teamaker-and-translator-of-instructions, and I was in hysterics

I feel I must share a few of the choicest lines with you, regarding components such as hing base & ruber cork

  • See video insallation tutoria
  • the explanations are as follows, please keep it in the eyeable place.
  • do not let the child play the toilet cover
  • wipe off smut
  • the function of slow closing will fail off in the midway
  • do not use eradicator
  • WARNING! it may cause injuring body or damaging object if ignore this mark
  • read carefully the relative notice [is that for the rest of the family?]


  • Open and close the toilet seat cover tenderly [or else it may crack]
  • Avoid sunlight and other lamp-house irradiate directly [or else it may turn colors]
We are treating our new seat Very Tenderly I can assure you!
[**some day my plinths will come]


  1. What a hilariously awful translation!!
    I remember going to my sister's Graduation dinner in Eltham and there were SO many spelling errors on the menu including Chocolate Mouse- it was hilariously bad!

    1. I hope she wasn't in the English Department

  2. Oh, my! Well, as long as you treat it tenderly, it should work out well, I suppose. :)

  3. Absolutely brilliant, you had me in stitches, my bad back is not amused though ;-)

    I'm assuming it is now installed and 'smut free'.

  4. After reading the instructions for the loo seat and laughing so much I cried, then blow me down if the 'plinth' remark did not set me off again. I now have stomach ache from laughing so much!!

  5. It does make you wonder where it was made and what the original language was!

  6. I'm laughing - but I'm also taking note as a new loo seat is also on my list of new purchases!

  7. Another (very funny) example of "lost in translation." I wonder if they were as worried about your tender parts, as they were of their own. Perhaps not!

    Humming the "plinth" tune... :)


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